I daydream often, of a place where I can finally feel okay. sometimes I feel like we’re all not well in one way or another and that makes me feel a little bit better — I guess. it’s not the thought of others’ suffering, but the thought that somewhere at this moment someone is also feeling lost, angry, or every single emotion all at once. and maybe that’s why we were placed on earth, to know that in one way or another we all experience life together, and will forever know what it’s like to feel pain, as much as we feel love.
if I’ve learned anything from being human it’s that things tend to have an expiry date almost as soon as you encounter them. I have never understood why some things work this way, but I’d like to think it’s life’s way of teaching us to be constantly grateful, for what we may have now, but may lose tomorrow. that being said, most of the time we don’t think of how our actions will affect us in the future, because that would be quite literally an early death. or that’s how I feel it’s seen. absurd. yet, it’s going against that feeling of (how you really feel) and (what you want in the moment) that makes you lose so much of yourself in the process.
I say that because in the past few years of my life I have chosen to go against what I believe so many times to alleviate pain, and I have not felt my own heart since. I gave my heart away for many reasons when none of those reasons even made me happy. none of those reasons were for me. most of them were reasons to survive the pain, or the intense heartache, and confusion that life had me in at that time. I’ve only now stopped blaming myself because one thing I learned is that the decisions you make when you’re in deep pain are never your fault. especially when what is hurting you is out of your control. that thought has given me the self-compassion I didn’t know I could ever find.
I’ve learned that life will repeatedly put you in places you’ve been hurt before to see if you will change the course, or if you will choose the same one again. it’s valid to say that those courses may become identical when you think you’re choosing the right one, but deep down you always know. who, what, where is right for us.
whether it’s early on, or later the decisions we make show their true colors themselves right in front of us. but we choose to ignore them because we think we know better than what we are feeling.
but our heart is a truly powerful thing, it lets us in on what may be harming us before it actually happens doesn’t it?
the point I’m trying to make with all of this is that in that process of giving up my heart to not feel my own pain, I gave up all of me. I remember thinking that I could still keep working on myself, and I could keep this person too even though I knew that I was in too much pain to even sustain myself. but sometimes what we want and what we know we need doesn’t align with anything at all. that’s when the mind tricks us into self-sabotaging — aka losing our heart and everything we stand for. All those small decisions add up, and when we have a box of them it gets more and more difficult to open ourselves up to emotions of any kind.
I have made many questionable decisions, some in which I may have altered my course of life indefinitely — but the beautiful thing is that I now have the power to think again. and you do too. In whatever stage of life this may find you know this: your heart knows all the answers to what you’ve been dying to find. do not settle for something because you’ve become impatient in the waiting. wait longer, and wait feverishly. do not let your heart become a dumping ground for decisions you made out of hopelessness, or anger. for this is when you lose who the real you is, what you believe in, and what you know you are capable of. maybe the challenge doesn’t lie in not making the wrong decisions, but lies in always feeling what your heart is telling you. even if it’s not what you want to hear — -telling yourself the truth will keep you from losing the way to your own heart.
So to myself & you—
give yourself time and you will always know what to do. don’t ever ignore your heart again. it’ll save you so much pain.
-love, jupiter
thank you all for reading! will post more soon. follow @taintedsun on instagram if you’d like to read more of my thoughts & reflections. if you’d also like to contribute to my first book publication tips are welcome! however, even taking the time to read my words is worth more to me.
with love, jupiter
