The breaking point —
there is no such thing as fate. synchronicities I believe in a lot more. fate can be manipulated, retouched, and changed easily. I have always created my own fate, which is probably why I take that belief to heart. a lot of people believe it’s fate that brings you to meet someone. truth be told you bring yourself to people. you and only you. so it’s fate that I feel a hole in my chest the size of my home planet. it’s fate that we somehow put each other through pain thick enough to bury us alive. it doesn’t help that you’re having a bad day. take me out of your head please. give me rest. I deserve it. I have been getting used to days without thinking of you. but today you needed me, and I could feel it. how? I have no idea. my mind danced in the morning with every breath it could to forget how to remember you. but today I think you went on a day trip with your own thoughts and amid the fear that clouds your mind, under all the noise of the hustle and bustle of your newfound life, in the corner of your mind’s proudest distractions, there I was. it took a while to get to me, but I never thought you wouldn’t. but I also didn’t anticipate this feeling to hit me like a truck. I knew there would be a day like this one, and many more where I could feel myself on your mind. actively there. awake, and awake for hours on end in your mind. you never lay me down to rest, you just keep me there. maybe that’s why lately I feel awake even when I am asleep. I didn’t think it would feel so overwhelmingly tiring. i. am. tired. of carrying the weight of a flame that died out so violently but keeps burning so feverishly in a windy city. we moved so fast in this world we created for the two of us, I’m surprised we even made it out still breathing. I always prayed we did. even in the darkest hours. but now even miles away, it seems you are lost without me. and I think that you admitting it to yourself scares you more than anything else ever has. it’s no surprise though. if I am being completely honest with myself. I always had a way of finding you even when you couldn’t find yourself. in the messy mornings, and abrupt phases of life, I was so good at solving the case of “I don’t know who I am” for you. I was so good at it you became a spectator waiting for me to end your misery and fight off your demons. so maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to leave your mind. maybe that’s why there’s a room in your mind where I wake up, get ready, and take on the day. maybe there’s also a room decorated with all the things I made you love and hate about yourself. and if that is there then I know for sure that you have another place that you have bolted shut — where you keep me awake just to remember how it felt to have me. that room doesn’t get opened daily, but today it needed light, to remind you that I do exist. but above all that you could still feel my heart in the middle of a distance.
interface (my side)
you exist. okay, I know. why am I feeling your thoughts? how are you interrupting my peace? you’re not even here anymore. I know you can hear me speaking out loud in my mind, it sounds like I’m screaming but it’s all just your thoughts racing a million miles per hour. I’m happy. I’m sad. I’m mad now and everything doesn’t matter anymore. stop holding me hostage to your agony and pain of something you didn’t even want in the first place. I don’t belong to you any more than my thoughts belong to myself. because you exhaust them in your subconscious. I guess days like this just remind me that you are feeling just as lost as I am. and that through all this pain there is a receiving end. but I don’t need this reminder this late at night. it’s already as hard as it needs to be, and splattering the paint of past heartache on the walls of our minds can’t help us paint over the cracked surfaces. I know it’s just one of those days for you. I know it’s just one of these nights for you. I know. I know. and I want so desperately to not know. but I feel like I can never not know because you keep me on your mind all the time.
thank you all for reading! will post more soon. follow @taintedsun on instagram if you’d like to read more of my thoughts & reflections. if you’d also like to contribute to my first book publication tips are welcome! however, even taking the time to read my words is worth more to me.
with love, jupiter.
